I start each day. I start with my dreams quickly slipping from my awareness as I wake and fairly quickly move into meditation. I regret that I lose my dreams so easily. I wish they would stay with me in my waking life more often.
Usually, I wake up with a blank slate, able to start the day without regrets from the day before and without the memory of my dreams to fill my mind with wonder. On rare occasions, I wake and an old lover’s name is fresh in my thoughts and I wonder if our spirits brushed against each other in our dreams. I have definitely released them from my physical present world but if we can still love each other in another universe after so much heartache then that is truly precious. Other times, I wake and my first words to myself are I love you, lissa — those are the sweetest moments. I know I have come a long, long way on my journey of worthiness if that is my first thought to myself.
I start with a mix of emotions and states of being, fear, pain, doubt, love, peace, freedom, flickering in and out of my practice. I expand and release them with each breath in and out. I try not to grasp to any one feeling as the more I reach, the further they drift away. Perhaps I should not be so open to sit with darker emotions but the little girl within me who spent most of her childhood alone shows tenderness to all emotions without discrimination. That doesn’t negate my ability to let them go when it’s time but I can let them go with love rather than shame.
A spiritual healer I met for the first time told me You are going too slow. Your healing should be quicker than this. How much seriousness can I pay to someone who tries to rush my healing? She doesn’t know how much I have healed, how much I have been through, how quickly I have transformed a lifetime of suffering.
I am not in a rush. I want to be free to be me. I want to savor this process completely. I have let so much go and I will continue to do so in each moment. I am not playing around and holding onto pain for fun or out of habit; we are deeply entangled from such a long exposure. With each release, more darkness comes out of another part of my body or a memory long forgotten somehow gets triggered and whispers against my temple.
Please do not rush my healing. Do not try to convince me that I have crafted a doubt spell against myself because I do not want to declare that I am a healer after three tarot card lessons from you. Have I healed others? It’s very likely in all my years of nursing and loving. That, however, is not something I grip onto or need to define me. The only person I feel deeply compelled to heal is myself; I am much happier to help people along the journey to heal themselves than to put myself in a position to be their healer. Sometimes, we get help with medicines and procedures but ultimately it is always up to us how deeply we let ourselves heal.