some people can’t love at all because of fear. i’ve met most of them and foolishly loved them all. this piece isn’t about that but that would make for an interesting line to some other story i may write some day.
photo by garry.
***
i am scared.
it keeps me awake some nights. my heart beats so fast i have to let it loose. i breathe tiny baby breaths that don’t go anywhere and stare at the ceiling wondering if this will be the night that i lose my mind. some times i’m flooded with fear. other times i magically disconnect; i am all alone in a tiny box and i can see fear on the other side waiting for me. if each fear is attached to a thought, if i don’t feed them, if i could just stop thinking, would they go away and let me live a lovingly zombielike existence? i would love to be a zombie for a few years.
is fear something inherently part of being a human that keeps things from being too easy? maybe some people don’t get scared at all. they label fear as stress and thrive from it.
maybe i should love fear. i should make it chocolate chip pancakes and sing it lullabies. we should do things i always wanted to do like sleep in a dirt field with nothing but stars and crickets everywhere, think about the future and not drown in the vastness of it, be myself, confront my childhood, move across country, and read my poems aloud to strangers.
the poetry reading — it wouldn’t have to be a performance. i could read despite my shaking limbs and sweaty armpits. it won’t matter if my voice quivers or if i look at the floor for half of the reading. there will be that moment when i leave my body and enter the spirit of the piece when they see the essence of me in poem form. i will touch them. i will breathe the gentle fire that burns inside of me and dare them not to feel me. then, i will walk back to my seat, take a deep breath, and feel the self-love spread through me and chase away the fear.
–lissa
February 7th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
A beautifully written piece :) Embracing your enemy is sometimes your only chance at moving on. Love the fear indeed.
February 7th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I agree. Accept the fear, go into the centre of it, and from there you have many options as to where you’re headed next.
February 7th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
never having been a slave to fear in my youth,, even experiencing it is new to me.. i don’t know where it came from ,, or what purpose it is here to serve,, but i am anticipating its departure… that,, is for sure……..
February 7th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
That is sensational Lissa. She is just so real and alive, intelligent and courageous. That writing is almost overwhelming in it’s lucidity.
February 8th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Yes, lissa! maybe we should learn to love the fear.
To embrace fear, until we are no longer afraid.
As always your words-into-prose have a life, a head
and a heart. You create an emotional momentum which
is extraordinary and addictive.
February 14th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
This is so very thoughtful and brilliant.
February 19th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Fear is a most debilitating emotion. In older age it often manifests as anxiety. That’s when it can do some of the most damage. But in love, loving people who are fearful of love is one of the saddest things.
February 25th, 2009 at 9:20 am
It’s been a while, my old friend. Good to see you’re still around. And I love the new look . . .